image: created by Dr David R Hamilton
I remember waiting in line a coffee shop once, and a woman drove over my foot on a mobility scooter. She didn’t look back to apologise. At the time I did have a thought that a person would usually have said sorry, but I let it go because, well, you never know.
Shortly afterwards, I found myself sitting at the next table along from her. She was flustered and was on the phone. It turned out she has MS and this was her first day with a mobility scooter. She wasn’t confident driving it and took refuge in the coffee shop, only she struggled to control it with having never driven one before.
She was upset because she’d stopped earlier and struggled to get it started again. She was worried about being stranded if it happened again so was asking the shop if there might be a fault and if someone could come and check.
I felt such compassion that I nearly cried. I also felt so guilty because I had judged her, even if for just a second. I remember beating myself up afterwards for even having had the thought in the first place.
The thing is, in life we really can’t know what a person is experiencing, or has experienced, in their life unless they tell us. We form all sorts of beliefs about people, whether this person is a good person or that person is a bad person, based on one or two interactions.
I try to be gentle with people, but I expect lots of people have judged me based on their interpretation of a single instance. And I’ll bet the same is true for you, regardless of the type of person you try to be.
We form much of our emotional world through perceptions of people and circumstances, but these are not truths, only beliefs.
I find it helps in finding some peace by reminding myself that I can’t know what influences or shapes a person’s actions without knowing their back story, and what’s currently happening in their life. Doing this allows us to step back from a situation and take a breath. Most of the time, judgement falls away and understanding or compassion at least has a chance to surface.
Be gentle with people. Be patient. Try to be understanding. And forgive yourself when you’re not. We’re all just trying to do the best we can.
i love your motivation
I made a New Year’s resolution at the start of 2018 to stop being judgemental. Seven days later, I started hallucinating and felt like I was dying. This was a journey that I embarked on as I started with bipolar disorder, with all the highs and lows. I felt like God, or the universe, or whatever heard my resolution and that my condition was to become a blessing, although it nearly took my life.
I have never been that judgemental, and have always had empathy, but like you say, we all do it as we’re only human after all. Life is ever changing and things are thrown our way that we may judge, but with time we continue to be less judgemental. The media doesn’t help and they write things that divide us, and I try to ignore these as much as possible. For example, as a cyclist, I have to tell myself not to ignore comments on certain newspapers regarding cyclists versus motorists, especially in some newspapers.
But, as you say, it is so important to stop and think, as you don’t know what someone is going through. Your words are an important lesson for all of us.