How thinking of ‘bendy time’ might help deal with loss

time - melting clockAs you know from my previous newsletter, my beloved dog, Oscar, passed away last month. Up until now I’ve not wanted to write too much about it but I now want to share an insight his passing gave me into the nature of time.

Oscar passed peacefully with Elizabeth & I by his side, stroking his ears and kissing him on the side of the head. We lay by his side for a while afterwards.

During this time I had a moment of utmost clarity. It was a sense that we were there with him on the ‘other side’. It all had to do with bendy time. Bendy time?

For us, on Earth, time runs forwards as a series of moments. Our experience of time, in large part, has to do with the way our brains process information as a series of moments. But the reality of time may be something quite different.

Over the past few years, physicists have succeeded in seemingly changing the past. They have shown that choices made in the present seem to affect what happened in the past. If you want more understanding of this and how it relates to us, I wrote about it in my book, Is Your Life Mapped Out? Unravelling the Mystery of Destiny vs Free Will. The experiments are known as, ‘Delayed Choice’ experiments, based on the theories of the physicist, John Archibald Wheeler.

Ultimately, the experiments show that time is interconnected – the past, the present, and the future seem to be all rolled into one and that movements are being made all the time from future to past, past to future, present to future and present to past.

Think of time like a piece of paper. To get from one side to the other you have to move across the paper, which takes time. But say you pierce a hole in each of the two ends of the page and then take those two ends and bring them together so that they’re touching. You can now move instantly from one side of the page to the other simply by passing through the hole.

Space and time both work like that. Such a thing is known in cosmology as an Einstein-Rosen bridge. It’s the idea that Star Trek ‘Warp’ engines are based on.

But how does this relate to our experiences?

In my books and in some of my blogs, I have made no secret of the fact that I believe our consciousness is not constrained inside our heads as a side-effect of brain chemistry. To this end, I also believe that our consciousness survives after we pass away. And I believe the same is true for animals. In fact, I believe that consciousness animates all matter and all life.

The brain acts more like a receiver, just as a TV aerial or a radio receives signals. The movie that you watch on TV is actually smeared out over the atmosphere as electromagnetic information. Your TV simply tunes to the signal and it then appears on your screen.

What you are – your nature, your essence, your being – is smeared throughout the universe. You are infinite in time and space. It only feels like you’re ‘in’ a body because you ‘have’ a body right now. When earthly life expires for them, people who pass away are free of the constraints of the brain and are able to experience themselves as more expanded and not limited in time or space. For them, our future is their present.

When Oscar passed, I had a sense that in some ways he didn’t even notice. That on the ‘other side’ he met Elizabeth and myself. He was freed from the constraints of time. It was as if the paper bent so that the time of Oscar’s passing was the same ‘times’ as our individual passings.

Freed from the constraints of the brain and its experience of time-as-a-series-of-consecutive-moments, our loved ones when they pass are free to move from one side of the page to the other, from one time to another, from the ‘time’ of their passing to the ‘time’ of yours. To them it’s the same ‘time’.

I sensed that Oscar wasn’t missing his Mummy and Daddy because he is with his Mummy and Daddy, even though that ‘time’ for each of us hasn’t occurred yet. Maybe when our time is up on this Earth, we are met not just by deceased loved ones, but by those who are still on earth. Perhaps as families we all enter the Earthly realm at the same ‘time’ and we all leave at the same ‘time.

Maybe my thinking around all this is just my way of coping with the pain of losing Oscar. Who knows? We all try to find a way to feel peace, to be happy. That’s what many self-help strategies are all about. They’re not just about changing your life, earning lots of money, getting your dream job, meeting the ideal partner, etc, but about helping you to find ways to emotionally navigate a course through your life.

Maybe that’s what I’m doing. Believing that Oscar is safe and well and with us on the other side brings me some comfort. I also know that many others see things differently, in ways that bring them comfort. Who is to say that one way is more correct than another?

It’s a little like religion. Who is to say that one path is better than another, or more ‘right’ than another. Each of us need to find paths that put us at ease, that help us to get the most enjoyment out of life.

I think this is why we can get so heated at times about our beliefs. Once we have the experience of a way of thinking working for us, we believe it is The way, that others are missing something. Yet others find enjoyment in different ways, through different ways of looking at life. Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Hindu, Atheist. There are happy people who call themselves by any of those names.

Personally, I find comfort and happiness by taking a spiritual view of life. Mine is not particularly associated with any religion. I also find comfort in science and thus my views fuse spirituality with science.

Therefore, whether anyone agrees with my view and how I cope with Oscar’s passing doesn’t matter so much to me. I simply felt like sharing my thought process, partly because writing about things brings me greater clarity, and comfort, and a sense that Oscar is OK, and also in the hope that these insights might help some others to find a little comfort when they lose a loved one.

36 thoughts on “How thinking of ‘bendy time’ might help deal with loss

  1. Rosaleen McKee

    I love the term “bendy time”. I am sure Oscar is at peace & waiting for you both. So sorry to read about his passing and I enjoyed reading about hime and seeing his photos in your newsletters. Always a joy to read your books. Many Blessings to you & yours. Rosie

  2. Cyan

    Truly beautiful. Thank you for sharing this, David.

  3. Ann A.

    Right now, I, too am loving Oscar, and am with you both in the moment you are feeling with him. Love to all of us, from all of us, through all of us.x

  4. Trevor Rogers

    Hi David,
    I was very sorry to hear of the passing of Oscar. He seemed such a happy healthy dog when I met him in March this year at the I Love Me event.
    Since the passing of my wife, Yvonne, this time last year I have had several very strong experiences that have proved to me she has been in my life at different times since she passed. This is not from a need to know she is still around, I didn’t have that need as I had accepted she had gone. Since then the first several experiences were of smelling her perfume, as though she was right in front of me. This was as I was going about doing normal things at home. I was not near any clothing that might have still had her perfume on them. They were too real to ignore and I certainly was not looking for such things to happen. The most powerful experience though was a couple of months ago. I had had a nap on the sofa, laying on my back, and I was awoken by the incredibly strong sense/realisation that Yvonne had just kissed me. Not a long kiss, but a loving, caring kiss. There was no dream leading up to this, this was as I awoke. I was even raising my head as I awoke, to follow her kiss.
    I am sure that as you have a very open mind you too will experience many loving connections with Oscar as you both meant so much to him and he to you. I know they will mean as much to you both as mine have to me.
    Best wishes to you and Elizabeth
    and wishing you both a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year

  5. Several years ago I arranged for Dr. Deepak Chopra to tour Canada. After listening to Dr Chopra speak, I felt an overwhelming peace come over me. Dr. Chopra addressed life and death via quantum physics. Understanding and believing we are all a part of something greater than our earthly experience is something I need to remind myself of on a daily basis. Maybe a tattoo on my forehead is the answer. Whilst I joke, I want you to know that after eighteen months I am still grieving my beloved Isabella who was a Husky, Labrador cross and my best friend. Reading your post today has bought back that wonderful feeling of peace and oneness with the universe and I cannot thank you enough. I can feel Isabella’s presence with me.

  6. Helen

    Love your article which I will pass on to others who may need it shortly. I was so shocked and upset for you when I first read you had lost your Oscar and so young. I can not live without animals and too lost a fab dog at about 3 who was very young and I adored her. There can be a lot of very hard lessons in life. Did you know (and hope being a scientist does not affect what I say!) that homeopathic Ignatia helps significantly with grief or upset –
    30 potency 2 or 3 x day for week or 10 days or 200 potency one a day.

    It also helps animals who have lost a companion like dog or cat who has lost one they live with or in my experience a pet sheep who wdnt stop crying when her lambs were taken away (to a good home) and she stopped a few hours after being given these quick dissolving tasteless tabs. The farmer cdnt make it how it all stopped.
    In the case of oneself, you are still aware of your loss but Ignatia takes the ‘sting’ out of it.
    With love and light

  7. David, I am glad your beliefs have brought you so much comfort following the loss of Oscar. On the night my dear cat Felix died, when I was in a different room of the house, I felt a sudden cold wave pass through my body. I realised afterwards this must have coincided with the time of his passing. The experience has helped me to trust that his spirit lives on somewhere.

  8. Michael Cordes

    Hi David

    Thank you for sharing your experiences with the passing of Oscar. I seem to share many of the same beliefs (spiritual as opposed to religious) that you offered but you’ve given me food for thought for which I’m grateful.
    My daughter and her husband arrived from Scotland two days ago for the holidays. She’s an avid fan of yours and brought me your book, ‘How Your Mind Can Heal Your Body’. In fact I think she said she’s met you on one or two occasions. I’m delighted and have already started reading it.
    I enjoy your blog, please keep up the good work.

  9. Ginny

    Dear David,
    That is the most beautiful peace of writing about loss and religion and echos my own beliefs, I am so sorry for your loss and am glad you have found a way of coping with it.
    Best wishes and much love

  10. Hi David. I completely get that. I recently went into a trance where I went back to the ‘past’ to send love. I then got a sense of me in the ‘past’ receiving that love. It was really odd as I got literally felt myself back in the past standing where I was standing, feeling & knowing I was receiving something from myself in the ‘future’. It was very bizzare yet on some level it all made perfect sense. I have also connected with my father, who died 10yrs ago, when I have been in trance a few times. As you say maybe just a way of ourselves bringing comfort. Yet on another level I somehow feel it is more than that. I can’t explain it though but I know in time we will be able to. Hx

  11. carol

    Many thanks David for sharing your bendy time ! Oscar will always be with you and Elizabeth I suppose it’s just learning to cope in the best way you know how
    Love your input on the science and spiritually side off things . I find writing helps only problem I have is once I start to write I find it hard to stop! Looking forward to seeing you in Feb 2015 workshop in Glasgow on self love can
    T wait light&luv xcarolxx

  12. Christine Perrott

    Thank you David, your article had such a ring of truth in it, call it intuition whatever, for me it brought comfort with a feeling of reality. I saw and felt the love you had for Oscar when attending one of your seminars showing proudly anyone who cared to look at a photo of your beloved boy! Oscar’s passing has given you this insight you are now able to pass on to others to help them cope with not only the loss of one of mans best friends but loss of our beloved as we are all one. An amazing insight and beautifully explained. THANK YOU!

  13. Pat Wells

    Dear David, I read your blog with common understanding and sorrow, with my experiences of loosing my Leonbergers over the years, my spiritual friends guided me to the same path of belief and I have never looked back, knowing they are with me daily.
    I have forwarded your comments to my brother and his wife who had to have their dear Lottie put down on Tuesday, a chocolate Lab who was 13yrs old. Your email was very timely. Thank you.

  14. vicky

    Hiya I love your way of thinking, different but the same as mine also. xxx

  15. Patricia A williams

    My heart goes out to you on the loss of “Oscar” I lost my cat Sacha five years ago just befor Christmas he was Siamese I still miss him he was very vocal he could understand as if he was a human being, he was very special to me. When I lost Sacha my friends said don’t get another cat , well I did’nt listen. I searched for another Siamese, and found a Blue Oriental who is named Blue who I love very much I also have three adopted one Siamese, one grey moggie and a black part Oriental. Sacha will always be in my heart. “Oscar” was so lucky to have been so loved by you he will always be by your side. Patricia

  16. David R. Hamilton PhD

    Thanks for your kind words, Patricia. I can sympathise with the pain you much have felt in losing Sacha. It’s so great to hear that you have more lovely cats in your life again. 🙂

  17. David R. Hamilton PhD

    Thanks Vicky. 🙂

  18. David R. Hamilton PhD

    Hi Pat, I hope it helps your brother and his wife. I can imagine they are experiencing a lot of pain right now. My thoughts are with them.

  19. David R. Hamilton PhD

    Thank you for your kind words, Christine. 🙂

  20. David R. Hamilton PhD

    Thanks Carol, yes, I find writing helps a lot. It somehow helps me to organise my thoughts and settle on what I believe. Glad to hear you do the same. See you at my book launch event in Feb. I just noticed your registration came through. See you then. 🙂

  21. David R. Hamilton PhD

    That’s amazing Helen. Sounds like you and I think along the same lines. I, too, have imagined sending love to my child self at one time I clearly remember not being able to find my mum, giving my 3-year-old self a hug and saying everything is going to be Ok. 🙂

  22. David R. Hamilton PhD

    Hi Michael, I hope you enjoy the book and they your daughter and her husband have a great time with you over the holidays. 🙂

  23. David R. Hamilton PhD

    Thanks Helen, and for the advice about Ignatia. I shall give that a try. I have found some benefit from homepathic medicines in the past. 🙂

  24. David R. Hamilton PhD

    I am so pleased that my post was so helpful to you, Jane. Thank you so much for letting me know. I can empathise with your pain of losing your beloved Isabella, especially because you were so close. Someone told me recently that grief is the price we pay for the size of the love we shared. Somehow that helped me a little, knowing that Oscar was dearly loved, as was Isabella, and she knew that … and still does. 🙂

  25. David R. Hamilton PhD

    Thanks Cyan. 🙂

  26. David R. Hamilton PhD

    Thanks so much, Ann. 🙂

  27. David R. Hamilton PhD

    Thanks for such kind thoughts, Ginny. 🙂

  28. David R. Hamilton PhD

    That’s so beautiful, Jennifer. I can relate to it. During the first night after Oscar passed, we heard a bang downstairs in the middle of the night. I went down to inspect and it was a piece of wood had falled from a sign we have that Oscar & I used to knock down all the time while we played. It’s never fallen down on its own, but we knocked it down almost every day while we played with his ball. We felt it was a sign that Oscar’s spirit was with us. 🙂

  29. David R. Hamilton PhD

    Thanks Rosie. 🙂

  30. David R. Hamilton PhD

    That is just so very beautiful, Trevor. Thank you so much for sharing it. Yes, I’ve had a few. On the first night he passed, I asked him for a sign he was still around. Then the tiniest white feather I have ever seen, probably smaller than a quarter the size of my pinkie nail, floated down right in front of my eyes. Thanks for your comment as it’s helped me remember a few other experienced, which are bringing a smile to my face right now. 🙂

  31. Jonathan

    Hi David, Liked your article & being an animal lover, totally empathize with your loss of Oscar in this moment but he is around in another moment which you can connect to through love. Making the sense of loss another illusional construct of our brain according to our moment in time but no loss is experienced in absolute time as there is no beginning or end.
    Sending Love & Light J

  32. Diane Patterson

    Oh I just resonate with your article ,iam sure he will be waiting for you both when your time comes .When my beloved Harvest was put down it was both the worst and best experience of my life ! I think the vet thought I was crazy candles lit,angel music playing and me insting on channelling reiki as he went. My buddist pals say his transition would be so smooth and he would just have moved from one plane to another very easily. The pain is one the worst experiences of my life and my heart goes out to everyone that experiences it.
    Moving on 6 months and I was missing animal energy so much ,my Hubbie Scott didn’t want to get another dog ! Well I asked Harvest for help ,your not replacing your friend I said. to my Husband you love a lot of people so you can love another animal too! Scott is allergic to dogs so we had looked at ones we could maybe get ! On holiday in gairloch we spotted a golden doodle and our interest was sparked. I emailed a lady in North Shields as she had puppies for sale very tentatively as buying a dog of the Internet seemed wrong . I asked Harvest give me a clear sign its ok that we get another dog . Well clear sign it was neons flashing The lady called me at home that night she could have sold the puppies over and over but felt she had to call me ! She wanted to know why my last dog was called Harvest ,his full name is Harvest Moon after Neil Youngs album is said! She got excited I knew to call you we are massive Neil Young fans my husband is sitting here among the puppies with a Harvest tshirt on do you think it’s a sign!!!! Neil Young has a golden doodle she said did you know that ? We didn’t it took us a short time to decide the puppy would be ours. Teddy is our Golden doodle he bring love where ever he goes ! He is such a healer he smiles a lot and everyone is so attracted to him it like going about with a superstar. I know Harvest lead me to him and being Harvest mummy and Daddy made us a better family for Tedddy to come to . if you read this I hope it makes u smile just look for the signs they are there and the love u share is always there xxx

  33. Doreen

    Hi David, want to say how very loved Oscar was & IS. Truly value your way of thinking & coping. Thinking of you & looking forward to the next newsletter. A very Merry Christmas to you & yours & a happy, healthy & successful 2015. xxx

  34. Thank you David. I just got round to reading this and it resonated with me. When my mother had late-stage Alzheimer’s she drifted between two worlds, this and the Other World. She often spoke about deceased relatives, including my sister who passed on some years ago. Interestingly she spoke about my sister and me as if we were together, ‘I have Margaret (me) and Fiona (my sister)’, and it was quite normal. I commented on this in my book, The Gift of Alzheimer’s. So I share your understanding about this and have found it very reassuring.

  35. Liz

    Oh David so sorry to hear about the passing of Oscar, I read your article and it made me cry, I was on the bus. As hard as it is I would rather have my heart broken by a beloved and treasured pet than not have experienced that bond in my life. They truly are a blessing. Take care. Liz

  36. Ursula

    Thank you for finding the courage to give us a little glimpse into your soul. Words are not enough to express the awareness of our spiritual being. With admiration , Ursula

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