I’ve struggled to be creative and productive recently.
Life happens.
Sometimes too much life happens.
My Dad passed away a few weeks ago. He had a brain tumour and things declined over the last few months of his life. His passing was peaceful, though, and I am grateful that he was surrounded by his loved ones at the time.
I’ve found it really hard to concentrate throughout this period of the last few months. Few people knew what was going on. Dad was a private person. He was also a gentle soul. He preferred to keep things in the family and within a close circle of friends.
Times like these, which are mostly unexpected, fill our minds with lots of stuff. It can feel like things are swirling around in the mind and you just can’t grab hold of anything in particular, even when you need to make a simple decision like what to have for dinner.
It’s like trying to focus on a point but it’s just too fuzzy. You grit your teeth to concentrate in the hope the determination will make some of the fuzziness dissipate. It helps a bit but it’s tiring and hard to keep up.
I think the mind only has so much room. Once the space gets all taken up, each thing that demands attention gets a little less energy.
I haven’t done any social media posts nor made any videos for over 2 months. These are things I usually do about two or three times a week. I started 2022 with the goal to write a new blog each week. I managed 42 in 42 weeks, but this is my first for three weeks. I’ve called it No.45 so it still makes sense in the heading when I reach week 52 of the year.
It’s not that I haven’t wanted to write nor even that I didn’t have the time. I just couldn’t think of anything to say.
That’s how having too much going on can hamper creativity. Creativity needs a bubbling cup. That’s how I think of it. It’s like a bubbling, frothy, colourful cauldron of energy and ideas, with smoke and coloured sparks bubbling out of it. That’s how I sometimes see my mind. A thought picks up some of the energy and it starts to coalesce into a thread of an idea or sentence. Recently it’s felt like a rectangular block of cold steel on a cloudy day.
I usually find writing quite easy. Once I get going on a topic, words and ideas flow, insights abound, and I enjoy seeing the direction it takes.
But over these past few weeks, I’ve found myself sitting in front of my laptop staring at the screen. I’m waiting on something happening, as if the words are going to write themselves. Usually they do, sort of.
The Delete key has seen the most action of any on my keyboard. I’ll typically write a few lines and then I’ll feel that something important is missing. Only, I couldn’t seem to figure out what it is. So I’ll hit Delete. I’ve started writing on five different topics over the last three weeks, but I never got through more than two or three paragraphs.
Until now. This is the first time I’ve managed to keep going. I’ve needed time to let things settle a bit.
I thought I’d write about some of my experience because I think a lot of readers might relate to it, now and in the future. I think we find healing in seeing that others have, or have had, the same experience.
This whole experience has got me focusing more on going easy on myself. I write and speak a lot about the subject of kindness; how it affects both mental and physical health. Usually when we think about kindness, the mind goes direct to what you might do for someone. Kindness naturally seeks a target. Rarely do we consider that we need to make ourselves the target sometimes and that it’s OK to do so.
Self-kindness, or self-care, is crucial because it supports mental health. Pushing ourselves too hard and not resting or doing what we need to do to support our health can be damaging.
How much self kindness required is not the same from one person to the next. Neither is it the same from one week to the next. Sometimes, depending on the context of our lives, we need a lot. At other times, we don’t need much at all.
There’s a sweet spot to be found that changes from time to time. Sometimes it’s closer to the Self, sometimes further away. It depends. There’s no hard and fast rule that says a person requires a certain amount of self kindness.
Recently, I’ve needed quite a bit. I had a lot to deal with, plus work to do through this recent time, so I’ve needed to refill my own cup. That’s meant that even though I’ve had a backlog of things piling up, I’ve needed to do less.
It’s meant sometimes saying no when I previously said yes; it’s meant not responding to some emails or other messages. I get clusters and sometimes too many. But it’s not possible to give others time that I need for myself, lest my cup runs empty.
I turn inward at times like these and withdraw from the outward world. I intuitively recognise that self kindness requires me to stop. It invites me to meditate more. It shows me changes I need to make, priorities I need to shift, things I need to reorganise.
The focus of self kindness needs to be the Self.
For the sake of your health.
If you feel you need it, I invite you to practice a little bit of self kindness today. And consider that there is such a sweet spot. Knowing it exists makes it easier to know when you need self kindness.
Consider where it may be for you right now. Do you need a lot of self kindness or just a little bit?
And however much you need, you deserve it.
Hi David, I’m so sorry for your loss. This blog really resonates with me having just lost my nan and grandad very recently. I’m throwing myself into planning a beautiful tribute for the funeral to support my family at the moment. I’m also running my Kindness and Wellbeing Group and voluntarily running a fundraising market for small businesses with all proceeds go to help people struggling with their physical or mental health. This post has really made me realise maybe I need to be on the receiving end of my own compassion right now.
Sending love and kindness uour way as you work through your own grief.
A beautiful and sensitive reply for David and all of us. Thank you for running your group and fundraisers. Sending love and kindness back to you .
Sorry for your loss! Losing a close family member knocks the wind out of your sails. So sometimes you just have to drift, relax and go with the flow. Self care is so very important at these times as bereavement not only affects your mental well being but it is proven it affects your physical health as well. In particular the respiratory system. So yes be kind to yourself and take care. Thanks for your blogs!
Good morning David,
My condolences for the loss of your father!
I too have had a difficult time due to an unfortunate incident outside of my control!
As a person who’s role is helping others.
It’s been good to read your blog as the word “fuzzy” totally describes how I have been feeling!
It’s such a strange way to feel.
This is why I felt compelled to leave you a message.
Best wishes Tracy
Thanks so much for this. I have recently lost both my parents and have had to step back from some of my voluntary and other caring, support roles, because I simply know I need to look after myself. But because I am still smiling and joking, not everyone gets it and I think there are a few folks who simply think that, after 3 months I should really just ‘get over it’ and deal. Your blog resonated so much, because I know I am right, but sometimes I get guilt and start to think they are right and I am being selfish.
Look after yourself. It’s a surprisingly raw thing, losing your parents, and it takes time and kindness. You give it all the time; now is your turn to look after yourself and take some kindness from others.
Thank you David, and such wise words that I’m sure a lot of people can relate to, or take heed of. I’m sorry for the loss of your Father – maybe it feels like the earth has tilted on its axis…
Self kindness came up for me yesterday. Thank you for your blog today.
Sincere condolences to you and your family x
I’m so sorry to hear of your Dad’s passing. It’s something we all experience, and very painful at times. I loved this blog, self care is healing.
Thanks so much for all your inspiring words.
I am feeling this to my bones at this very moment.
I am sorry about your loss.
I haven’t been kind to myself lately. I have put too much pressure and pushed too hard to reach an impossible standard for myself.
Thank you for this message.
I am truly sorry for your loss, it is not easy watching someone you love disappear in front of your eyes. Sending much love to you and your family x
Thanks for sharing David. So true. Self care is vital, especially after bereavement. Go gently. In my experience, Creativity flows in the right way at the right time. Sending my condolences for your loss. Remember the positive times. Our loved ones never leave us. They just ” step into a different room”.
Very sorry to hear of your sad loss David and well done trying to write about it. I tried to gain comfort from just knowing how lucky I had been to have my dad in my life for as long as I did. But I know also that it doesn’t matter what people say it’s just something you have to get through yourself. Take care of yourself, you are right and get out into nature where the falling leaves will echo your thoughts but you know those trees will leaf and bring joy again. Don’t beat yourself up about re keeping to schedule, I’m not keeping count of your blogs and doubt everyone else is keeping you to task, I just think ‘oh good, there’s a David message in the inbox, not heard from him in a while’ and take them when they come in and they are a nice surprise as and when – way better than getting too often. In fact, just adopt a ‘Friends’ type of title, you know, ‘The One …’ and get rid of beating yourself up about missing No 45 on schedule. Numbers are fine for Chanel and bingo. All the best to you and you will get through this, best regards Gillian.
Hi David, sorry about your Dad but he sounds like a really lovely man. You are so right in this article we have to kind to ourselves. Love your honesty and valued
So sad to hear about the passing of your Dad. You are I am sure a lot like him.
Sending love and kindness to you and your family.
xxxx
I am sorry for your loss David
So helpful that you are so open about your feelings and thoughts. It helps a lot of people to be more confident that we don’t have to be perfect
I echo what you say, Barbara -beautifully and simply put.
Dear David, my heart goes out to you. Twenty years ago I came to see you in your flat in Windsor. My daughter-in-law had a brain tumour and I was travelling from Norfolk to Ascot quite a bit to help and was finding it very stressful. You were a kind listener. You are doing the right thing in taking care of yourself whilst processing the death of your father. Give yourself time to grieve, as much time as it takes you. I miss your talks in Norfolk and meeting you personally. Sending you fondest love, Sue
You’re such a good man, and your posts are so kind and helpful. So very sorry for your loss Thinking of you and your family at this sad time, prayers and love to your dad and to you all. God bless
So sorry to hear about your dad David. Self care is so important, especially following a loss.
Look after yourself.
David ,
Great blog !
My deepest condolence about your Dad.
Warmest regards
Chris
David, Thank you for yet another insightful and thoughtful blog. I’m so sorry for your loss, and hope that showing extra kindness to yourself will help you to navigate this sad and difficult time.
Your words today have both reassured and inspired me. Like many people, I find it difficult to take the time for self-care that my mind and body needs. Recently I’ve been feeling the desire to rest and recuperate, to refill my cup which is easily drained by external circumstances and the pressure I put on myself.
Three years ago I was diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease. After the initial-I-was-told-life-saving treatment, I now manage this naturally with herbal medicine and energy healing. I listen to my body and notice when my inner resources are low. And yet I still resist allowing myself to fully rest!To completely let go, and give myself time to rest and heal.
I’m not sure why we find self-care so difficult. Maybe because it’s sometimes confused with being selfish? People often find it easier to be kinder to others, than themselves. Maybe it’s the inherent British ‘keep calm and carry on’ approach? Certainly, some other nationalities appear more willing participants in therapy and self-healing.
So, a huge thank you for this timely reminder, and also for your books and teachings which explain the mind-body connection so wonderfully that I’m always recommending them.
Many, many thanks
Cheryl
Hi David I am so sorry for your loss. You are right to give yourself time for self care and time to grieve. Take care and thank you for sharing
Hello David and friends: It is lovely to hear about your gentle and peaceful father, and how he has influenced your own approach to life, which strikes me as a mixture of kindness and curiosity. Most of your readers will identify with feeling so many conflicting emotions when you are bereaved, especially a loss of focus, direction and meaning. I send you all lots of love and courage. And yes, be kind to yourselves.
So sorry for your loss David, sending lots of love to you and your family, and yes take time out for you.
So so helpful to me right now David thank you
Recently sold home and moved some 50 miles away into rented accommodation
Surrounded by boxes I was overwhelmed
I thought I was minimalistic!!
Well here I am 1 month on from the move and I feel completely empty and realise how much the actual stress and emotion has affected me!!
I know I do not need anyones permission to ‘take time out’ however reading your blog it just said to me Jan you have permission to just be kind to yourself….,
Dear David,
My arms reach out to you to give you a big hug, more of a ‘cuddle hug’……Kindness is a wonderful attribute especially when you realize that it is your Self that needs it more than anyone else at times. Your Dad’s passing is showing you that. Your life will be changed and everything will fall into place given it time. We who enjoy reading your newsletters/blogs are
privileged to be comforted by you and now it is our turn to comfort you with our love. Please rest, relax, meditate if doing so brings you peace. Know in your heart all will be well.
I love you, and mean it. Diane
Dear David,
I echo all that Diane has said , with a heart full of love , compassion, and gratitude –
For all that you are,
And all that you do.
Much love from Jean x
( and your beloved Dad )
Thank you for this perfect message David, it has come at the right time for me X
Holding you and your family in my heart. ❤
So sorry David to hear your Dad passed away. I too lost a family member last month – your newsletter has reminded me how important it is to take care of ourselves first – thank you for sharing, take care.
David,I want to express my condolences on your loss. Although nothing will ever replace the loss of your dad, I’m confident that your practice of loving kindness towards yourself and others will ease your pain. Love Marion
Thanks Marion. 🙂
Hi David so sorry for the loss of your father. Death is so weird. When someone close to you dies it tosses you into this other world and it’s hard to keep switching back and forth. The new world is filled with your family and friends and everyone sharing the same feelings and emotions. The old world is filled with people who don’t know and life keeps moving on just like ‘normal.’ It’s very surreal.
Love what you say, been listening and reading for a long time – yes – be kind to yourself!!
Thanks Evelyn. Yes, I know what you mean. It does feel surreal. And thanks for your kind words. 🙂
My thoughts are with you David, take care.
Thanks Florence. 🙂
Hi David, I’m so sorry for your loss, and thank you for finding a way to eventually write about it and for the reminder for self-care. The timing of your newsletter is spooky! 🙂 I lost my mother two weeks ago and my body (gut mostly) went into shock, but I was still focussed on my father and it wasn’t until things got really bad, that I went to stay overnight with a friend for a breather. That short break was what I needed and reminded me that I can’t help anyone if I don’t help myself too. Thanks for sharing the feelings and emotions you experienced too. Fuzzy brain, unable to write anything, etc. I resonated with it all and made me feel ‘normal’ for experiencing the same. I really thought there was something wrong with me and that I should be coping a lot better. Nothing worse than experiencing loss and then having nasty thoughts tell you that you’re wrong for feeling this way. You’re right. Sharing is healing and I thank you so much for being brave and sharing your experiences. Thank you again.
I am so sorry, Silvana, that you lost your mother so recently. I understand what you’re going through. It’s not easy to cope with loss and we all process it in our own ways. I’m glad that my words helped you to feel a little more normal. 🙂
I to am sorry for your loss David. I lost my mother suddenly when I was just 13yrs old. One minute I was on my way to school happy and carefree, next minute my mother was dead. I’m 80 yrs old now and never a day goes by without the sadness descending. I never say no to any of my family needs ,and work myself into the ground. I never rest, can’t. Just keep going and going. So I understand your position over these passed weeks. Wish I could be kind to me, but David that is never going to happen now. Take care and look after yourself. Good at giving out advice, not so good at taking it .
I’m so sorry you lost your mother so suddenly and when you were so young. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that must have been for you. It sounds like you are so good to your family. I also hope you are able to find some time to rest when you need it. I know what you mean re advice. I, also, am very good at giving it but also not so good at taking it. My prayer for you today is that you find a way to be kind to yourself, even if just for today or for half an hour today. 🙂
So sorry for your loss David. Your writings brought tears of sadness and of joy! Took me a long time to remember the happy times. I find your thoughts about self-care so deeply interesting and thought-provoking. Thank you xx
Thanks Sue. I hope you are remembering the happy times yourself now. 🙂
Dear David, I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending hugs and love to all. Thank you for your gentle reminders about self care. I appreciate your time and energy taken to share your story. I hope tomorrow is a beautiful day for you. Mary
Thanks Mary. 🙂
Dear David, I am so sorry for your loss. Even though we know that in spirit your dear father will always be close to you, helping & guiding you- it is still hard dealing with the aftershock of death on a physical level.
As an holistic therapist I teach others the absolute importance of self care, self love as part of their healing journey, but often find myself not heeding my own advice! I try more & more to listen in to what my true self needs especially during times of difficulty& sadness when we need that self care more & more.
I am so grateful for all the great teachers I have had, Louise Hay, Wayne Dyer and your good self amongst many, who have helped me & continue to help me to navigate this wonderful lifetime with all its highs & lows.
Sending you a loving, comforting, healing hug. Don’t force yourself to do anything, it will all return when you are ready. Look after you .
You are much appreciated.
Christine x
Thanks Christine. That is so true. It is still hard dealing with it. And I know what you mean re not heeding your own advice. I sometimes need life to give me push before I practice self care.
I’m sorry for your loss. Thank you for your words of wisdom and for reaching out in your season of grief. I am praying for you and your family to be comforted.
Thanks so much, Diane. 🙂
Hi David, so sorry to hear of your fathers passing. I was just chatting to a friend at a recent reiki share and wonering how you were both doing. “Fuzzy” is a great description, sometimes everything just seems to have been turned down. We are vaguely aware of what’s going on and what needs to be done but just can’t get that clear focus. Stepping back from the wider world for a while becomes neccessary. I did this by reading your book last year as I sat with my dad on his final Day. Please continue to practice that self care…oh and I hope that includes ditching the sharpies!
Much love xx
Thanks Caroline. I’m so sorry you lost your Dad last year. And thanks for the self care advice. I’ve been heeding it lately. 🙂
Hi David
I’m so sorry for your loss. You are right to take good care of yourself – sending a big hug and love to you and your family.
Thanks Jane. Virtual hug gratefully received. 🙂
Sometimes we need to put on our own oxygen mask first before getting one out for anyone else. That is a gift to others because the vibration or self care is felt by others and helps them feel they have permission to do the same. Peace and healing to you. Sometimes we just need to spend the day watching the clouds pass overhead.
I totally agree, Fiona. And something we tend to forget – me especially at times. Thanks for your kind support. 🙂
David
Sorry to hear about your Dad. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on self care at this time. It means a lot to hear those messages reinforced in challenging times and helps us all focus on the practical application of the theories we learn.
love and light
Val
Thanks Val. 🙂
Losing your father is hard. I’ve lost mine. I feel you.
Not being able to do what you want to do is strange (for want of a better word).
You describe this beautifully.
Marvellously, as this blog post demonstrates, honesty and truth can sail through anything: grief, loss and inability to perform daily tasks with grace.
And that can shine light from dark places.
Thank you for shining light for us all from your place right now.
We all need to be reminded of that.
I know the angels are with you, your father and your family.
I’m sorry you’ve lost your father too, Zoe. Thank you for your kind and insightful words. 🙂
Heartfelt sorry for your loss, David. You fully deserve a bit of self kindness at the moment.
Thanks Bryan. 🙂
I’m so sorry for your loss – thank you for your kindness to us all with this post, even through this most difficult time.
Thanks Lisa. 🙂
So sorry to read this sad news David.
Sending heartfelt sympathy to you & your family.
I too have had a stressful year which I feel stinted my creativity. I thought I was procrastinating but realise I needed plenty of self care. While living with stressful situations our brain seems to have limited space.
Thank you for sharing
Sending love
Thanks Diane. That is much appreciated. Yes, that is probably what you do need. It’s so easy to get caught up in the busyness of life that our minds get so full that we forget to be kind to ourselves.
Belated blessings to you and your family David… what a beautiful share and what a blessing to have such insights into another person’s life – true intimacy. May dad soar to the highest frequencies possible.
Thanks so much! May he soar indeed. 🙂
Dear David
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your words they have helped me expect less of myself and give more space for my own recent loss. Being gentle is so important.
I hope this helps
All Is Well – Henry Scott Holland
Death Is Nothing At All
Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped away into the next room,
I am I, and you are you,
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still,
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the same easy way which you always did,
Put no difference into your tone;
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was; there is absolutely unbroken continuity,
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am just waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner.
All is well. ❤️
Thanks so much, Jill, for your kind words, and also for the wonderful poem. It’s really beautiful. 🙂
Dear David,
I am so sorry for the loss and sorrow you and your family are feeling. x
I wrote a poem on the loss of my beloved Dad, at a point when I think I was trying to move myself into reminding me they are always with us. I don’t share what I write (though I Was ‘brave’ and got my husband to read this at my Mum’s funeral!) but I hope this will serve as the hug I would like to give you in your moments of sadness. Tricia xx
Golden Threads
The golden threads that bind us to another
are infinite and follow where they go,
no distance can dissect this heart’s connection,
and time can never tarnish it’s bright glow.
If you could see your golden threads connected,
they would not be the tangle you assume,
but woven like a cloth so unexpected
and covering you bright against the gloom.
The golden thread between us can’t be severed,
wherever I have gone, and left your view
you simply have to find the thread is tethered
give it a tug, and I am there with you.
Tricia Oakes
Thanks Tricia! What a beautiful poem!!! And thanks for the ‘hug’. 🙂 I’m so sorry that you lost your parents.
Dear David
Firstly my thoughts to you and the entire family, one can never fully appreciate what grief can feel like unless experienced , so we appreciate you sharing something so personal
I too have been on something of a journey over the last 12 months and being kind to yourself first then others resonates more than you can imagine
The quest to be a better version of ourselves can be a very liberating experience and whilst arriving at a age where loss becomes a bigger part of life is something we need to reflect and sit with in my humble opinion. Never ever easy and those we’ve loved will always be with us. That simple expression ‘grief is the price we pay for love’ always come to mind and to have been loved is surely one of life’s greatest rewards
Thoughts with you, the family
Thanks for your kind and understanding words, John. I’m glad my words around being kind to yourself resonates. I hope your next 12 months is one of your most fulfilling so far.