“I like your hair” – The Surprising Science of Compliments

This week’s Better You, Backed by Science is about compliments – what happens in the brain when we give them and how people receive them.

When we offer someone a compliment, studies show that most people hugely underestimate how good it can make a person feel.

We might say something like, “I like your hair” or “That’s a lovely shirt” and then move on with the rest of the day. What we only briefly see is that the person is momentarily grateful and sometimes flattered by the compliment.

But research shows that the compliment lasts much longer than this.

Many people express gratitude in the moment of a compliment, but a positive feeling often stays with them all day as their brain repeatedly brings them back to the compliment. The ‘hit’ can lift a person’s mood for hours or even days afterwards.

How?

Compliments impact the brain. And in the same circuits as receiving money.

To the brain, receiving a kind word or receiving some money is a similar process. It’s a win. It’s receiving something in both cases. And you get a squirt of dopamine.

And here’s the beautiful twist: it works both ways. When you give a sincere compliment, it lights up your brain’s empathy regions and that is followed by a release of oxytocin, the “bonding hormone,” aka, the “Kindness hormone”, “love hormone”, “cuddle chemical.” And that makes you feel warm and connected.

It’s the neural basis of why giving compliments feels so good.

Why Don’t We Compliment More?

So if this is true, why don’t we compliment more? Studies also show that, despite the reciprocal sharing of a nice moment, many people feel anxious about giving compliments and so only offer them sparingly for that reason.

The belief is that we might embarrass the person or make them feel uncomfortable.

But research shows that we drastically overestimate how uncomfortable or bothered a receiver of our compliment might feel. Because, in fact, the opposite is true.

We sometimes even assume that a person already knows they have nice hair, teeth, or did well at such and such a thing, so we don’t really need to tell them.

But despite assumptions, we never really know what’s going on underneath the surface in a person’s life. The compliment might give them a lift they need.

Regardless of any assumptions, for most people, a genuine compliment can make their day. We just don’t see that bit, especially if it’s a stranger we compliment.

The takeaway is this. Next time you notice or appreciate something about a person, don’t hold back.

If you offer them a compliment, it will impact their brain like they’ve received a gift and it will give them much more of a lift than you realise.

Being kind is one of the things that makes us most human. Kind words don’t cost a penny – but they’re priceless medicine for the brain.

Try This

Challenge yourself to give three genuine compliments today. Notice how it feels. And notice the impact it has.

Take a moment to reflect on the fact that the impact of your compliment will last much longer.

Want to explore more?

🎥 Watch my YouTube video where I further explore the power of compliments.

References (if you’re curious)

• We underestimate the impact of our compliments
• Compliments and money processed in the same way
• Giving compliments lights up empathy regions of the brain
• Empathy releases oxytocin

More

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Explore more about the science of kindness in my book, ‘The Joy of Actually Giving a Fck‘ (Hay House, 2024)