It’s not the thing itself, it’s what it’s like

“Why does being kind to someone affect my heart, brain, and immune system?”

This was a question I was recently asked, with an emphasis on, “But why.” The style of the question reminded me of childhood, when we frustrate the adults in our lives by asking repeated ‘but why’s.

Like our responses to children, we could make endless iterations until we end up philosophising about the meaning of life. I could have answered that it’s because we have kind genes and are genetically wired not only to be kind (which I have covered in another blog), but to have a positive biological experience of it.

But I didn’t relish another ‘but why’ regarding why we have kind genes, and I figured he was looking for a more common sensical answer anyway. So I said it’s because of what the experience of being kind is like.

It’s easier to explain if I use the example of stress. We can all agree that stress produces stress hormones. But missing in that phrase are the words, “the experience of.” It’s the experience of stress that produces stress hormones, not the situation itself.

Let me explain.

Two people can face the same situation. One of them feels stressed about it while the other doesn’t. Some people get stressed when they’re running late, some people don’t. Some get stressed when challenged, others don’t. In each case, one has an experience of stress while the other doesn’t, even when the situation they’re facing is identical. 

Thus, one of them produces stress hormones while the other doesn’t. Here, it’s not the situation that produced the stress hormones. It was the experience of stress within the situation that did it.

Experience is a personal thing. And we don’t all have the same experiences of the same things. One person might love the taste of bananas. To another they are repugnant. Same food, different experience.

So what has this to do with kindness?

We don’t all have the same experience of kindness.

It’s not doing something kind itself that brings about beneficial physiological effects, neither is it being kind itself that makes us happier. It’s what the experience is like.

Because not all kindness feels good nor makes us happier. In fact, there are times when we can give too much and then it becomes detrimental to health. In one piece of research into volunteering, people’s happiness was cross-referenced against how many hours they volunteered. Up to a certain point, volunteering resulted in more happiness, but over that ‘tipping point’ and it was associated with more stress. It became less about the kindness and more about the ‘job’.

Similarly, when kindness isn’t appreciated or reciprocated, sometimes it feels stressful.

But in general, when kindness is offered because in the moment it feels like the right thing to do, then the experience is positive, and it leads to the well-known effects on the heart, brain, and immune system. It’s in the experience, not the act itself, that lies the physiological effects.

And here, I’d also like to point out that, because it comes down to experiences, we’re led to a little-known fact – although one I’ve written and spoken about quite a bit.

The experiences of kindness and stress are opposites – physiologically. 

For example:

-stress tends to cause tension in the nervous system while kindness tends to cause a relaxation effect. 

-experiences of stress tend to increase blood pressure, while experiences of kindness tend to reduce it.

-stress dials up a key region of the brain that plays a significant role in stress, worry, fear, anxiety. Kindness, on the other hand, dials it down. 

-stress dampens the immune system, kindness supports the immune system. 

For info if you want to read a good summary of these facts, you might enjoy my book, The Joy of Actually Giving a F*ck. Chapter 4 is called, ‘The Opposite of Stress’.

We typically assume that the opposite of stress is peace or even calm. But these represent the absence of stress, not its opposite. The opposite of stress, physiologically speaking, is kindness.

Or to use the more exact terms, the opposite of an experience of stress, physiologically speaking, is an experience of kindness.

It’s what it’s like.

That’s more or less how I answered the question.

Everybody gets stressed. It’s part of being humans. But maybe the next time you feel stressed, try kindness. And note what the experience is like.