I was bullied at school, although not until my sixth and final year of high school.
It wasn’t physically violent, but more psychological – making fun of me, taunting me, talking about me, that sort of thing.
They once had a poster on the wall featuring a photo of me dancing at a school social event and invited people, in the space beneath the photo, to describe what I was doing. Most comments were just poking fun at me but some descended into threats.
They also had a ‘We love Hammy’ day (Hammy was my nickname, for Hamilton), where posters were placed around the school. There was definitely no love, but plenty of ridicule.
It was attacks on my mind and emotions rather than on my physical body. It went on almost every day for most of the school year.
It was a really difficult time for me. I spent a lot of time alone. It seemed more or less fun for them, just a big laugh.
There was a group of about a dozen or so of them, both male and female. They were the in-crowd, the loudest and most popular in the year.
One Friday afternoon still sits clearly in my memory. Some of them had been drinking in the common room. I knew something was going to happen because one of the girls was outside of the door as if on watch. As soon as she saw me approach from along the corridor (I was on my way back from a class), she hurried into the room. I didn’t want to go in, but I needed to get my bag.
Someone threw a lasso around me as soon as I walked through the door. Then a bucket of water was thrown at me. Fortunately, for me, they were drunk and I sidestepped most of the water. There was a huge laugh from the main table where they all sat. I just silently walked to my seat, took my bag, and left.
I went and found somewhere quiet afterwards, the lecture theatre on the floor above the maths corridor, so I could have a cry. I often wondered why I was singled out like this. A friend once said it was because they were jealous. I was good at a lot of things, including sports and academia.
I believed it was because I boasted of some of my achievements. I never, ever did this to elevate myself above anyone, but to try to get people to like me. I had low self esteem, although I didn’t know what that was at the time, nor understand how to get help with it.
My dream was to go to university. Only one person I knew of in the small village I grew up in in central Scotland had ever achieved the feat. It was an escape from what seemed to be the standard social and economic conditions there at that time that offered little hope in my mind for a happy or prosperous life.
I had a conditional offer to get into my university of choice, the University of Strathclyde in Glasgow, which my chemistry teachers, Mr Tracey and Dr O’Donnell, had recommended. Professor Peter Pauson was a professor there, someone who had made substantial contributions to the world of organic chemistry, paving the way for new techniques that would years later be used in the manufacture of life saving drugs.
He had only just missed out on a Nobel prize. It was a sore point around the department for everyone except Prof Pauson, who was a kind, gentle and gracious man and simply took it in his stride.
I would work with Prof Pauson four years later during my final year research project and, under his guidance, was honoured to win the annual academic prize for it. By the time I started my PhD, he was officially retired but worked on as emeritus professor and we shared the same lab. He gave me a great many insights into how to think, not just about science, but how to think in general. He’s had a lasting impact upon me.
But I almost didn’t get there. Part of my conditional offer was to obtain a particular grade in what is now known as Advanced Higher, the Scottish equivalent of A-Levels that are the standard in England.
The day before the exam, a few of the bullies stole my bag in the morning. All my study notes were in it. They hid it from me all day and taunted me by saying they saw my bag in such and such a place, and then in another place when it turned out not to be there. I spent much of the day searching from place to place on a wild goose chase. They finally gave it back when the bell rang at the end of the school day. Even though I hadn’t been able to study properly, thankfully I got the grade and entry into university.
I often wondered if the bullies had any idea what it was like for me, even if any of them felt a little compassion.
Perhaps. Some of them seemed genuinely decent in other contexts and quite friendly towards me at some other times. It was only when they were all together that they behaved differently.
One used to stop and speak to me at the bus stop after school. I had to catch a bus three nights a week to another town where I worked an evening part-time job in Tesco. I was a Produce Assistant, stacking fruit and vegetables for the princely sum of £17 per week. That was in 1988.
He always stopped and chatted to me as if we were friends. The following day when he was with his own friends, though, he would be back to being cruel.
All of this behaviour went on for most of the school year, yet I never stood up for myself.
You might wonder why.
I’ve asked myself that question so many times over the years.
To be honest, once something becomes part of your daily experience for so long it becomes more and more difficult to stop it and it feels like it will never end. It just becomes your life.
Any time I did try, even with some of the nicer of the bullies, my lip would quiver, my voice would shake, and my legs would go weak. The lip quiver was so obvious, as if I wasn’t able to control my mouth. It was embarrassing and made me feel so self conscious. So I just put my head down and said nothing most of the time.
One day, when I was looking out of the window while waiting to go into my chemistry class, one of the bullies walked past and smacked the back of my head real hard, forcing my face hard against the window. I thought he’d broken my nose. There was no blood, but my eyes were watering, my ears dulled and I could hear a high-pitched tone.
Through watery eyes and in a half attempt to show some sort of defensiveness, I spurted out something like, “Hey, what do you think you’re doing?”
His reaction was hard and cold, as if I had no right to respond. How dare I speak back to him! How dare I! Would I like my face smashed in? he asked.
My Mum ended up working with him several years later. He became a male nurse and apparently quite a friendly and caring guy. She mentioned the name in conversation a few times, but I didn’t let on I had known him and in what context until years later, after she had retired.
She wished I’d told her earlier. She searched for his number and even though I was then a fully grown man in my late 30s, she intended to take it up with him as any parent would for their child. Once a parent, always a parent. I appreciated the loving and protective sentiment, but I said it was honestly OK now and asked her to let it go.
I never told anyone at all what was going on at the time, although it was obvious to some of my friends. I was afraid someone would intervene and make it worse.
I wrote about bullying in one of my English essays. It must have been obvious that I was writing about myself because my English teacher, Mr McColl, asked me at the end of class next day if everything was OK, to which I put on a big smile and assured him that of course it was. He turned up at the common room a few days later and asked some of the bullies to step outside. It all stopped for a few days after that.
Another reason I found it hard to stand up for myself was because it was also ingrained in me as a child that you show respect for adults and don’t speak back to them if they’re telling you off. These bullies weren’t adults, but it felt the same – the idea of speaking back to someone who is taking a dominant position.
It wasn’t until years later, after I’d written my book, ‘I Heart Me: The Science of Self Love’, that I was able to not feel intimidated and submissive around dominant or authority figures or around anyone showing aggression.
I’d always react in the same way; lip quivering, stumbling over my words, and legs feeling like jelly. It always made me feel self-conscious and weak.
It’s hard to imagine when you’re being bullied that it will ever end, that things will change. But they do. Change is inevitable. It’s the one thing you can bet on. Life moves on, people move on. Things completely changed for me when I went to university and met a group of some genuinely good people who became my friends.
How do I feel about the bullies now?
This might sound odd, but I have a fond feeling for them. Truly. It felt strange recounting (and reliving) some of the experiences while writing this blog, because it almost felt like I was writing about someone else and not the person I am now.
I’d happily chat with any one of them if I ran into them in a bar or coffee shop.
I’ve worked a lot on myself over the years, learning that it does little good to hold onto past hurts or hold grudges. Holding onto things only hurts ourselves again. We get hurt by the initial situations and then we get hurt again by holding onto the pain.
I realised that forgiveness and letting go was an act of self love, a kindness I could do for myself. It needn’t be about them, about setting them free, but about setting myself free.
So that’s what I did, gradually.
I did it in a few different ways. I worked through a forgiveness process created by Dr Fred Luskin, director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Projects and author of ‘Forgive for Good’.
When I first came across his work while researching for one of my books on kindness, Luskin had then run two forgiveness projects – HOPE1 and HOPE2 – where he taught people who had lost loved ones in acts of violence or terrorism, first in Northern Ireland and then in Sierra Leone, how to forgive those responsible.
It produced real breakthroughs and people who went through the process improved significantly in both their mental and physical heal. Luskin had then adapted the process so it could be used for healing all types of hurts, from slights and misdemeanours, to betrayals, to more serious ones.
I found it very helpful. I also practiced the Buddhists’ ‘Loving Kindness’ meditation (metta), where you wish happiness, wellbeing, and peace to loved ones, people who may have hurt you in the past, and to all sentient beings. In time, you develop feelings of compassion for yourself and others.
The other thing I’ve done over the years is to simply develop a gentler, kinder, more compassionate, view of life and towards all people and animals. This has been part of my work as a writer and speaker in both the public and corporate sectors because you must live your work in order to teach it.
Everyone is just trying to do the best they can in life with the knowledge and experience they have. Some find it easier than others. Hurt people hurt people, as they say. Some stumble and fall as they grow up, many repeatedly do so as adults. Perhaps some of the purpose of life is to help those who have fallen.
Practicing this sort of attitude fills the heart and mind. It doesn’t leave much space for grudges. Understanding and forgiveness is a natural side effect.
This has simply been my way. It doesn’t mean it has to be everyone’s way. And my experience of bullying is very different from some other peoples’ experiences. Many people have had it way worse than me and perhaps I wouldn’t be talking about forgiveness if I’d had their sort of experiences.
But I hope you’ve found something of value in these words, even if it was simply to just share in a few moments of what life can be like from someone else’s perspective.
This had me welling up with the beautiful Honesty. I have been processing being bullied in my past and finding peace for letting go of the hurtful and hard memories. Thank you for your wise and beautiful words.
Simply amazing. I wish I could find the right words to describe what I think of you, but whatever I find won’t do my thoughts and feelings justice. You are a healer, here for a purpose, as we all are, but you emanate compassion as though it is your core, who you are when everything is stripped back is just light. I know we all are, literally, but you get my drift, hopefully! You’re utterly genuine, and my feelings when I read your work or watch one of your Zooms is that you’re here to help and to make positive changes for whoever wants to hear you. Your sharing is powerful. I’ve just sent you a massive hug over the ether for being such a marvellous human being. Thank you, David.
You make a difference. May happiness, love and light always be with you.
That is amasing insight David, thank you.
Bullies we are always taught are cowards, but we never remember that at the time we are being bullied do we?
They are deeply damaged people that need our love and support, hard to give sometimes!
I felt very sad reading that. I too endured some bullying at school and again at work! I honestly think they are jealous and sadly do not have the capabilities to know what they are doing? Many bully’s have been bullied themselves. If I’m honest there have been occasions I’ve not liked how I have responded to certain people!
I now feel that at the grand old age of 58 I still allow certain people ( family) to bully me, more subtle that those previously.
I’m going to start the meditation I keep promising myself …
Thank you for sharing ❤️
Dear David Hamilton,
Having had the experience of being bullied myself, then also working through to eventual forgiveness, a long process, I want to thank you for this article.
I am sure that it will be of help to many people.
May I bring another healing modality to your attention, in case you have not yet encountered it?
If you carefully research the healing modality called German New Medicine, you will see that Dr Dirk Hamer discovered through a great tragedy in his own family that all conditions can be healed when the process and origin of its cause is understood.
In his lifetime it is estimated that forty thousand cancer patients were healed through this knowledge, without medication.
All illness is caused by a biological shock or conflict, and Dr Hamer did extensive research to prove conclusively that this was the case.
An explanation of German New Medicine can be found on http://www.learninggnm.com
I have wanted to draw it to your attention for a long time, as it proves without doubt the elegant self-healing capacity of the human body.
It also fits in beautifully with all that you are doing in the field of human emotional health, and deserves a wider audience.
I sincerely commend it to you.
Hi David, I have never forgotten the support that you (and Elizabeth & her parents) gave me when I was at one of my lowest points due to a work bully some years ago. It was as if you offered me some oxygen whilst I was on the verge of suffocating at the time. I was aware (from talks you had given in the past) that you had experienced some bullying when you were younger but it’s only after reading your account here that I realise the extent of what you had endured at high school. And I see now perhaps why you can empathise so deeply with others who have been victims of bullying. Nevertheless I was sad to read of what happened to you at that time, and am glad that all of that is far behind in the past for you. Perhaps your experiences inadvertently made you even more caring towards others…. In any case it is great to read that you are not left with long-standing grievances due to what happened to you at high school. I’m not sure I could personally sit down and casually chat with those who bullied me in the past, so you have given me something to ruminate on!
I’m so pleased we were able to help you, Assad, and really grateful that you came to see us. I think that perhaps my experience did make me a wee bit more empathetic towards others as it’s easy to remember what it feels like. I took quite a bit of work to let it go, though, made more difficult by the fact that one of the bullies actually ended up at the same university as me and attempted to carry it into my new environment by making me the subject of ridicule there too. Fortunately, my friends were a bit more mature and largely ignored her, but it made it more tough and harder to work through. It wasn’t until more than 10-15 years later, I’d say, that I started to find some peace with it all. It certainly didn’t come quickly. 🙂
I still remember meeting you on the Gold Coast in Australia at the Connect conference in 2018. You signed your books for me and I remember how your smile and beautiful energy radiated. We go through struggles in life and some souls like yours are able to use that to lift others out of sad places. I felt sad reading that about you but know you are who you are because of that part of your journey and learning to overcome and inspire others to be kind. Thank you David
I could really relate to your experience, David, having also experienced bullying as a kid all those years ago. It had a lasting impact too. But forgiveness was ultimately the way forward as I realised many years later. And then there was some bullying in the workplace which was so subtle at the time I didn’t recognise it. So last year when I ( and many others going by what I was reading) found myself on the receiving end of some bizarre and nasty bullying and coercion in the workplace over a certain medical choice we were all being coerced into making, I was finally able to recognise it and finally when I plucked up enough courage call it out. I am so thankful that I was able to do thst because I know it saved me just in the brink of time. Sadly, in today’s world bullying, coercion and blackmail is happening on a grand scale from our world’s governments and those authority organisations we place our trust in. This is a major concern because the populace are allowing this to happen and not recognising the subtle (and not so subtle) form it is taking nor the harms taking place, just as I didn’t recognise it initially in the work place when my then boss was the perpetrator. May I recommend, David, thst you seek out the very interesting lectures by Dr Matthias Desmet who goes deeply into the psychology of human behaviour….it is very fascinating. Thank you for bring8ng up this very emotive topic. Forgiveness is always the way forward, and for me easier to do in hindsight and trickier to apply in current situations where it is still being played out.
Turning a negative experience into a positive one with kindness:
I experienced years of bullying at school. Like him, I wasn’t beaten up but was routinely humiliated, teased and ostracised. When people used to say “your school days are the best days of your life” I’d panic as mine were miserable.
I’m having hypnotherapy with Glen Mitchell at the moment and despite being over 20 years ago, the bullying often comes up as a reason behind my low self esteem, fear of rejection and negative self talk. Other triggers take me right back there to being so worthless and unwanted. It has such a lasting impact and can affect the person we become.
However, this is not a woe is me comment, moreover some context. If it hadn’t been for those experiences, maybe I wouldn’t be such a believer in the power of kindness. I’d probably never have set up Kindness Community and we wouldn’t have a community of over 3.5 thousand people around the world all committed to making the world a kinder place for everyone.
Maybe you wouldn’t have done as much powerful and inspiring research into kindness had you not experienced unkindness at school.
My point is, sometimes we can go through really terrible times, but if we use our experiences to help others as an act of kindness, then together, we can make the world a kinder place.
Aw David,that made me cry,for the boy you were,,and the young woman I was.Love and light to you x
I was transfixed reading this.
I came to a couple of your talks many years ago now – in a little village not far from Swindon and later at St Johns school in Marlborough.
I found you and your talks so uplifting at inspiring and never did I guess once that you had been through this experience.
It just goes to show that whatever public face we show, there’s a whole story behind us.
And how, or not, we’ve evolved and grown on our life’s journey.
Thank you for sharing this, it will help so many, and speaks to the child or young person who’s been damaged as a result of abuse in all forms.
Our young people, particularly those who’ve been bullied and or abused, need people like you.
Thank you for being the inspiration you are
Thanks so much for your kind words, Katie. I remember those talk very well. 🙂