This week’s Better You, Backed by Science is about the real power in listening.
I read a book over the summer called ‘Supercommunicators’, by Charles Duhigg. The essence is that listening helps you communicate better and it helps you connect.
We often notice the opposite. I mean, have you ever been talking to someone and realised they’re not really listening?
Because they’re looking at their phone. Or waiting for a pause so they can tell you something about themselves. Or they might be sitting quietly, nodding occasionally, but you can sense their mind is somewhere else.
Now think about the opposite.
A conversation with someone who seems genuinely interested in what you’re saying. They pay attention, ask questions, remember little details. And somehow, you come away feeling that you’ve really connected.
Well, fascinating research suggests there’s something important happening here. Listening isn’t simply about being quiet while someone else speaks. It’s something we actively do.
The Science of Listening
In a study published in November 2025, researchers investigated how listening behaviours influence the quality of social connections.
Across two studies involving 646 participants, they examined conversations between strangers. Some involved deeper, ten-minute conversations, while others involved brief, everyday small talk.
The researchers looked at different listening behaviours, including asking follow-up questions and something called verbal validation. It’s when we show someone that we’ve heard and understood what they’re saying.
For example, imagine a friend tells you they’ve had a difficult day at work. You might respond with, “Oh, that’s a shame.”
But you could also say, “That sounds really frustrating. Can you tell me what happened?”
The second response shows you’ve understood something about how they feel. And it invites them to share more. The researchers found that these kinds of listening behaviours were associated with stronger feelings of social connection.
In the deeper conversations, asking follow-up questions and verbally acknowledging what someone had said were both linked to better-quality interactions. In the shorter conversations, the overall quality of listening mattered too, although the findings for individual behaviours were less consistent.
One thing I took from the study was this:
It’s not enough simply to pay attention. The other person also needs to feel that we’re paying attention.
That’s an important distinction. And it’s kind.
Because we might genuinely be interested in what someone is saying, but if we’re distracted, looking elsewhere, or giving very little response, they might not realise it.
Good listening involves communicating our attention as well as giving it. And it’s probably one of the reasons why certain people make us feel so comfortable in their company.
It’s not necessarily because they’re brilliant conversationalists. It might be because they make us feel heard.
I think there’s a kindness in listening this way.
Because sometimes the kindest thing we can give someone isn’t advice, encouragement or a solution. It’s the experience of being genuinely heard.
Try This
Here’s something to try this week.
In your next conversation, practise three simple things.
First, give the person your attention.
Put your phone aside if you can, and try not to plan what you’re going to say next.
Second, acknowledge something they’ve said.
You might reflect a feeling, recognise something important to them, or simply show that you understand.
And third, ask a genuine follow-up question.
Not just any question, but one that shows you’re interested in understanding them a little better.
You don’t have to turn every conversation into a deep and meaningful one. And you certainly don’t need to interrogate anyone!
Just be curious.
Because maybe one of the simplest ways to create more connection in our lives isn’t to become better at talking, but to become better at helping people feel heard.
In other words, sometimes the greatest gift we can give someone in a conversation isn’t something we say.
It’s the attention we give.
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