This is not the sort of title I usually have for a blog. However, it captures the essence of what’s called, ‘confelicity’.
Simply put, confelicity is the joy we feel at someone else’s happiness. It’s when you’re genuinely pleased that your friend got that promotion, or received that compliment, or got that unexpected tip, or found out she was pregnant, or whatever else a person feels happy about.
It’s not just about tolerating another person’s success or good fortune; it’s about genuinely celebrating it with them.
The word derives from the Latin – con (together) and felicitas (happiness or good fortune). It literally means shared happiness or sharing in happiness.
I was giving a talk a few nights ago and got chatting with the event manager. She and her best friend had recently started their own company creating bespoke events. It was a brave step, giving up on the secure income they were both used to. But it was easy to see that she truly believed in what they’re doing, and their hearts are totally in it.
I couldn’t help but be genuinely happy for her. That’s confelicity!
And there were the two girls who had recently started their own venture, The Soul Works Studio, in Glasgow. Again, such a brave move, to step away from safe and secure full-time employment to pursue a dream. I couldn’t help but feel genuinely thrilled for them. Confelicity!
Not always easy
Sounds easy to be happy for people. But it’s not always that simple, and I’m sure most of us can relate.
I remember years ago cheering on a friend in a track race, while at the same time envying him because I came last in my race. We were both amateur athletes at the time. I was cheering, trying my best to be happy for him, but at the same time found myself relieved that he didn’t win.
Afterwards I berated myself.
What sort of friend secretly doesn’t want his friend to win, I asked myself. I felt so disappointed in myself. It wasn’t that I didn’t want him to win. Not consciously, at least. Of course, I did want him to win, I told myself. So why did I feel relieved that he didn’t? I hope I’m a better friend now, 30 years or so later.
The root of it is that other people’s successes sometimes highlight our own seeming failures or ineptitudes. And if these are painful to us, then it becomes even more difficult to be happy for others. I deeply wanted to succeed in athletics, but despite my dream of competing in the Olympics, I was acutely aware that I just wasn’t up to the mark. People around me succeeding only made it more obvious (and painful) to me that I wasn’t.
We want to want to be happy, but sometimes the only way we know to make ourselves feel better is to bring others down, even just a little. It doesn’t even feel like we’re in control of what we’re doing.
We secretly feel relieved when they don’t succeed. Ah well, better luck next time, we offer. Or we find fault, caution them against potential failures or pitfalls. Sometimes this is all well-meaning, of course, but other times it comes from a painful place.
Comparing ourselves with others is natural. In her new book, ‘Open When…’, Dr Julie Smith explains that making comparisons with others is built into human nature. In a positive sense, it can help to guide us in the right direction, inspiring us to act and become more. We evolved the tendency and it’s helped us innovate and thrive as a species.
But the downside is those times when we feel that we’re personally failing, and it hurts. Then it’s much more difficult to be happy for others. They have what we want, after all. Deep down, it feels like a threat to our very survival. But with practice, we can do it.
How to want others to win
A friend told me of the time when her marriage ended. She deeply wanted to be a mother and it was an issue in the relationship. At the time, all her close friends were having children and had growing families. It’s what she longed for too.
The pain at the idea that she might not be a mother was unbearable, yet every time she saw her friends, they were talking about their babies and young children. It was tearing her apart inside.
Then she had a wakeup call. She recognised that the pain and envy at her friends’ good fortune, was eating away at her. It was taking its toll on her mental health.
She knew that the only way to survive this difficult time in her life was to be genuinely happy for her friends. She put everything into it. She made a huge effort to be a part of their lives in every way, showing them so much genuine love, caring, and respect. She put her heart and soul into it. And that’s where the magic happened. She realised that she was deeply and genuinely happy for her friends.
In being present in their lives, in consciously choosing to love and support them, her own hurt began to fade. That’s what confelicity does. In the moment that our attention shifts onto the seeing the smile on a person’s face and celebrates their win with them, it moves away from our own pain. And in that moment, we nourish one of our deepest human needs. Connection.
And as we drink in that connection, happiness flourishes as a side effect.
An aspect of empathy
At its heart, confelicity reflects a deep sense of connection and mutual upliftment. Instead of envy or indifference, confelicity encourages us to lean into someone else’s joy as though it were our own.
It’s related to empathy. Empathy can be thought of as ‘I feel with you’. But we usually speak of empathy in the sense that we’re empathising with someone’s pain. Confelicity, on the other hand, is a positive aspect of empathy. Instead of sharing in their pain, we share in their happiness.
Ways to Show Confelicity
Like kindness, practicing confelicity doesn’t require grand gestures; it’s about the small, meaningful ways we show up for others. Here are some ways to embrace and express this powerful form of kindness:
1. Be Present and Attentive
When someone shares good news, listen fully. Put away distractions, make eye contact, and let them know you’re genuinely interested.
2. Celebrate Their Wins
Send a congratulatory message, throw a small celebration, or simply say something like, “I’m so happy for you!” Acknowledging their joy amplifies it.
3. Avoid Comparison
Resist the urge to measure your life against theirs. Confelicity flourishes when we focus on their happiness without letting insecurities cloud the moment.
4. Amplify Their Joy
Share their happiness with others if appropriate. For instance, if a colleague’s project succeeds, celebrate it publicly in the workplace.
5. Practice Empathy
Imagine how much their achievement means to them. Putting yourself in their shoes deepens your emotional connection to their joy.
6. Pause and Appreciate: Take a moment to savour others’ happiness instead of rushing past it.
How Confelicity Affects Us
Sharing in another’s happiness isn’t just good for them—it’s profoundly beneficial for us too. Here’s how:
Strengthens Relationships
Confelicity builds trust and deepens bonds. When we show that we genuinely care about someone else’s joy, it nurtures stronger, more meaningful connections.
Boosts Our Own Happiness
Joy is contagious. By celebrating others’ success, we get to share in the positive emotions, enhancing our own wellbeing.
Reduces Negative Feelings
Practicing confelicity helps us let go of envy or resentment. It shifts our mindset from scarcity—where we feel there’s only so much good to go around—to abundance, where everyone’s joy contributes to a richer, fuller world.
Encourages a Kindness Mindset
Confelicity aligns beautifully with kindness. It reminds us that lifting others up benefits everyone. It helps build a culture of mutual support.
Final Thoughts
Confelicity invites us to step out of the shadows of comparison and into the light of shared joy. It’s a gentle yet powerful reminder that happiness multiplies when it’s shared.
When we’re happy for others, we contribute to a world that feels a wee bit warmer, a little kinder, and a lot more connected.
So, the next time someone shares their happiness with you, lean into it! Celebrate with them. Feel their joy as your own. Because in the end, confelicity isn’t just about sharing happiness—it’s about creating it, together.
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